Two years a dad | #289

There is no single moment where I felt like I had finally inhabited the role of “dad.” There are so many clichés and stories in the way people talk about parenthood that would be easy to repeat but nothing has felt right.

When it comes to my daughter, I’ve never felt so strongly about anything in my life. She is my favorite person in the world. Anything she does is cute and hilarious and impressive and I don’t really need confirmation from anyone. I just know, she is just perfect, I love her so much.

Over the last two years, I’ve spent far more time being a dad than anything else, including worker, spouse, or friend. It has been a challenge at times and I’ve often felt like I’m stubbornly going against what most people my age are doing. But every time I stop and reflect, it feels true that I won’t regret any of this time with my daughter.

Most people I know tend to focus on when they will “get back to work” after having a kid. As the sole income earner for the last several years, I figured that I would be the one “returning,” giving Angie as much time as she needed in the first year. I mentally set the timer at four months. That felt right. Then I’d get serious.

In the first couple of weeks after Michelle was born, my book started taking off. I started selling books at a rapid clip. In the first four months of her life, I sold about 20,000 books, which generated a lot of income I wasn’t expecting and covered almost all my living expenses for the year. This is when Penguin reached out and tried to buy my book. I kindly said no. I didn’t need a boss. My daughter not only brought a loaf of bread upon arrival but a full course meal. I was going to enjoy the spoils with her.

In those early months, I loved spending time with my daughter and my wife and Michelle was relatively easy. Without the pressure of needing to return to work, we came up with a system to stay healthy and rested, operating in shifts. She was okay with sleeping no matter where she was, and so we remained social and brought her in her bassinet around Austin and then around Taiwan and Spain. We were sort of surprised that it was going so smoothly.

Returning to Austin when she was about 9 months old, it started becoming a little harder. She would only sleep in her crib and kept having trouble every few weeks sleeping through the night. We tried all sorts of things, pushing back against the regimented nature of a young child’s sleep but finally gave in. We started going to bed at 9, sticking to a schedule, and planning our weeks in advance.

As she turned one, I was craving a little more work. I had definitely found the lower bound of “enough work.” I felt like a full year of “parental leave” or whatever you might call it when an underemployed person remains underemployed, was enough. I needed to embark on a second book.

And so I started. And around this time, Angie committed to her first book too. We decided that this final year in Austin would be one where we birthed creative projects and continued to watch out own daughter. I wrote three days a week and watched Michelle the other two. When I finished my book, I took on another day or two depending on Angie’s schedule.

It was in these next few months that things felt a bit harder. I would ride with Michelle to the park and wander around with her, amongst the nannies watching the other kids. I felt a bit lonely. I felt silly. What was I doing? Where are the dads? At work, of course.

During the second year, I knew my income wouldn’t match what I earned before, yet money was still coming in. I felt the pressure to “go back to work,” but I kept choosing the status quo. Every time the option to hire a nanny or put Michelle in daycare came up, we both agreed: “let’s just keep going.”

It’s hard to overstate how deep of a connection I feel to my daughter because of the time I’ve spent with her. I’ve seen every little moment in her life. I saw the first time her hand grabbed the side of her bassinet, her first crawl, her first words, her first “mama,” and her first steps. I know her quirks, habits, complaints, frustrations, and joys. I know how to get her laughing and now I know how to get her singing and dancing. While she has bad days and sometimes I’m a bit distracted or frustrated, I cherish every single one of the days I’ve spent with her and the memory dividends will last the rest of my life.

Over the last month, we were in Mexico and hired a part-time nanny. It was pretty nice and Michelle loved doing art with her new friend Valeria.

With the time, I spent more time working than I had in two years. I started to find my groove again and am feeling excited about the next few years on my path again. Since finishing Good Work in September I’ve felt stuck in a liminal period and didn’t know how to find my way out of it. It turns out work was the way. Not work in the sense of working for a paycheck, but following my curiosity, reading a lot, and tinkering. The sunlight and good food in Oaxaca didn’t hurt either.

I also got to know the woman who also takes care of my daughter again: Angie! While we had talked about consciously de-prioritizing the relationship during the intensive period of book writing and parenting, I don’t think either of us realized how much we missed having a slow meal together and talking through some of the random things that need talking about in a relationship. Being abroad helped us recapture the adventurous energy that is so important to us.

It also made me realize how lucky I am.

Having a daughter has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s been hard and there have been many stressful days. But through hundreds of slow and silly days, I can feel myself softening into a different phase of my life.

I don’t think I ever expected to laugh as much as I have. Or to sing the Moana soundtrack so many times. Or to read Pout Pout Fish 100 times. Or to eat so many blueberries off the floor. Or to take the same bike ride over and over. Or to scroll pictures with Angie so many nights after Michelle falls asleep.

I’m still getting used to this new role of dad but I like it a lot.

One of my favorite pictures hiking in Taiwan

I guess I finally feel like a dad.

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